bekommen: (and now the old ways don't seem true.)
nick. ([personal profile] bekommen) wrote2016-11-06 10:54 pm
Entry tags:

ic inbox.



"It's Nick. You know what to do."

voice. video. text. action.
thechoiceisyours: (❄ ᴡʜʏ ɪs ʟɪғᴇ)

[text]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-26 02:07 am (UTC)(link)
[He's still not sure if he should be contacting her at all. It might be best if he didn't, if he just left her alone; surely she doesn't want to talk to him. He doesn't think he'd want to talk to him.

But he also doesn't want to just leave her alone, to have to deal with things by herself, and there's also a but of selfishness in his decision; he wants to know if she's okay, and he wants to tell her he's sorry.

But as good as he can be with words, he doesn't think he can manage starting this conversation face to face, or even voice to voice. So he sends her a message instead, and hopes she won't just ignore it.]


Hey, Nick. It's okay if you don't want to talk to me, but I wanted to check on how you're doing. And say that I'm really, really sorry.
Edited 2016-04-26 02:07 (UTC)
thechoiceisyours: (★ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ᴏғ ʙᴏɴᴇs ᴀɴᴅ ɪᴄᴇ)

[text] --> [video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-26 02:49 am (UTC)(link)
[He's really not expecting her to respond, but it's not like he has a lot to do besides check his phone; even if he could walk much he hasn't had much desire to leave his room.

So he's holding his phone when it lights up with her message, and he stares at it a few moments in surprise not just that she replied at all but what she said. That's what prompts him to sit up a little straighter on his bed and send a request for a video call, because if she's actually willing to talk to him about this then it should probably be through video after all.]
thechoiceisyours: (★ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡᴇ'ʟʟ ᴡᴀɪᴛ)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-26 03:28 am (UTC)(link)
[Chris appears little pale and tired, a distant look in his eyes, but generally better than Nick. He wasn't really hurt in the whole thing, physically anyway, except for his bad knee; and he really can't complain about that since Maketh was trying to protect him. Did protect him, probably.

He offers his own weak attempt at a smile, but it's obviously forced; he's firmer about eye contact though, even if she doesn't return it.]


Hey.

[There's silence again for a few moments, as he tries to decide what to say, but there's one most pressing thing and even though he already said it through text--]

I'm... I-I'm really sorry, Nick. I-I should've... I should figured out something else to do besides...
thechoiceisyours: (❄ ɪ'ᴍ ᴀʟʟ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-26 03:46 am (UTC)(link)
[It's harsh to hear it, but some part of him is angry at himself for not being able to say it himself. He's the one who did it, after all, and not in a split-second decision either; it had been the plan the whole time if things went badly. The least he can do is own up to it.

So it feels wrong that Nick doesn't even seem really angry at him for it, and he doesn't know what to say, because she he might've done the logical thing but that doesn't make it the right one. Nothing about any of this was right.]


I'm really glad you're not dead.

[It's not what he means to say, but it's the truth all the same. He's so glad that shooting her didn't kill her, and not just because of his own guilt. It hadn't been her fault that this had happened, it had been the gods', and she didn't deserve to have to pay for it.]
thechoiceisyours: (★ ᴡᴇ ʜᴏʟᴇ ᴜᴘ ɪɴ ᴀ sʜᴇʟᴛᴇʀ)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-26 04:11 am (UTC)(link)
Don't say that.

[It's quiet, more a plea than an order; he doesn't know how serious she is or if it's just a bitter comment, but it really doesn't matter.

At her question he looks away, trying to avoid thinking too much about what happened, and he could tell her the truth or--]


She's gonna be okay. Her um... Her name's Maketh.

[Technically that's all true. There's no need to tell Nick exactly how bad it had been.]
thechoiceisyours: (❄ ᴡʜʏ ɪs ʟɪғᴇ)

[video] darnit nick

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-26 04:24 pm (UTC)(link)
That isn't the point.

[Whether or not she comes back doesn't change the experience, or change the underlying thoughts of wanting something terrible to happen. And it definitely doesn't change that he shot her, even if it was in self-defense, and she didn't deserve that.

He shakes his head at the apology.]


It wasn't your fault. None of this was, it was just... The gods fucking with us again.
thechoiceisyours: (❄ ᴄᴀsᴛɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ sʜᴀᴅᴏᴡs)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-26 05:23 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah. I think we kind of forget about it whenever there's a break or whatever.

[Not to mention that the really horrible things no one wants to think much about after they're over; he knows he doesn't like to think about the wendigo event, or being buried alive, or any of the other awful things that have happened here. It makes it easy to forget just how quickly the gods can decide to do something to hurt them.

He shakes his head again, not necessarily as a refusal but because he can't believe they're even talking about this. Sure, he'd made the decision to shoot her to protect Maketh and himself, but that's different from what she's asking.]


Nick, I can't just...

[That sort of agreement--that sort of thinking--is what leads to people being killed unnecessarily.]
thechoiceisyours: (★ ᴀ sɪɴᴋɪɴɢ sʜɪᴘ)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-26 07:24 pm (UTC)(link)
[His eyes go icy at her words, a flash of anger running through him even if little of it is exactly directed at her. It's more a general anger and frustration, that any of this is something they have to deal with, but there is some reserved for not only for asking him what she did but what sounds like a lecture.]

Yeah, I know what you can do? Maybe you should remember that I've already done this whole zombie movie thing twice, once before I even fucking got here, and all shooting first does is get people killed for no reason.

[Mike had almost killed Emily, fearing she'd turn into a wendigo from being bitten, and Chris not only hadn't intervened but had thought it might be the right thing to do. Thankfully Mike hadn't been able to go through with it and only minutes later they'd discovered the bite of a wendigo didn't cause the transformation. That they'd nearly killed Emily for no reason, even though they hadn't actually done it, stays with him.

He doesn't address her last comment, though he does file it away mentally.]
thechoiceisyours: (❄ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴛᴜʀɴ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴀʟᴋ ᴀᴡᴀʏ)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-27 12:59 am (UTC)(link)
[He isn't surprised she reacts with anger, but he is a little surprise she hangs up on him. For a moment he's uncertain, wondering if he should just leave her alone; he did nearly kill her, and he feels so guilty about it, and if she doesn't want to talk to him then maybe--

No. He's sick of doing this, of being so careful and trying to figure out the right thing to say and backing down the moment someone gets angry with him, of being always the one responsible for reaching out and fixing the problem and it always being his fault when something goes wrong. He's tired of being over and over put in the position of having to figure out what to do or how to diffuse a situation or how to save someone from themselves. He's tired of knowing that if he makes one wrong choice someone really could die. That people have died because he's made the wrong choices, and the guilt and fear are all-consuming and keep forcing him to act because what if he doesn't?

And then there's a situation like this, where it's complicated and awful and Nick can't just talk to him, so he has to decide whether to leave her to deal with her problems and take the risk that she'll do something drastic or try to reach out to her again, say and do the right things to calm her down, and just keep playing this same role yet again.

How many times has been here, trying to figure out what to do? More than he can count, with stakes ranging from hurt feelings to lives, and he always makes the same choice. The time he hadn't, he'd lost his best friend.

His anger is quickly draining, leaving behind the real emotions that it's--as usual--just masking, and although he's already made up his mind to call Nick back he takes a few minutes before he does. He needs to be sure he won't start crying the moment he tries to talk.

Finally, he sends another video call request and hopes she answers.]
thechoiceisyours: (❄ ɪ'ᴍ ᴀʟʟ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-27 01:36 am (UTC)(link)
[There's first a sense of relief that she does answer, because at least he doesn't have to worry about what she's doing, but the greeting is less than friendly. Not unexpected, yet it still sparks another surge of anger--or defensiveness, really, although it feels like anger--which he has to try to control when he responds.

He's only partially successful.]


I-I want you to calm the fuck down for like, t-two seconds and talk to me, okay? A-And by talk I mean actually like, listen, a-and try to actually... I-I don't even know, just...

[This is so pointless. He doesn't even know what he's trying to say, which has the added benefit of causing him to trip over his words and just make it more obvious he doesn't know what he's talking about. He knows what he wants to say, but he doesn't think Nick would respond to it well and so it wouldn't be useful here.

He's just going to end up making this worse.]
thechoiceisyours: (★ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ᴏғ ʙᴏɴᴇs ᴀɴᴅ ɪᴄᴇ)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-27 04:01 am (UTC)(link)
[Okay. Okay, deep breath, think.]

You didn't do anything wrong.

[Not exactly what he means to lead with, but it's less harsh to say than jumping right to what he thinks the underlying issue is. And it's true.]

S-So I get if you're mad, at yourself or at me or at whoever, but it's... W-What happened, in the bar, it wasn't your fault. So please just... You don't have to jump to the worst outcome possible for a situation, okay?

[This is just turning into rambling and he should've waited longer to call her back, but it's difficult to stop and he just wants her to get it.]

B-But I can't just figure out what to do on my own, a-and we can't come up with something together if you're like, dead set on the worst possible thing, a-and you're pissed that I won't just agree to jump right to trying to kill you as a first option? A-Are you even thinking about what that means? People are already dead because of me, so... S-Sorry that I'm like, trying to figure out some option that doesn't involve agreeing to just kill a friend without thinking twice about it.

How is this even a conversation I'm having? N-None of this is supposed to be a thing; I was in fucking college, I don't--

[He needs to stop, but everything is just too much and he feels... Distant, almost. Like the whole conversation is surreal and he vaguely realizes he should probably hang up--he's going to either anger or worry Nick and neither of those outcomes is at all going to help the reason why he's trying to talk to her--but his fingers are shaking and it seems like a monumental task just to consider hitting the button.]
thechoiceisyours: (❄ ᴍʏ ʙᴏᴅʏ ᴀᴄʜᴇs)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-27 04:56 am (UTC)(link)
[While she's quiet, putting everything together, he's taking a moment to try to calm down; it isn't really working, but outwardly he might seem calm enough except for the distant stare towards the far wall instead of at the screen. Get it together. Focus.

It's so much easier to just kind of zone out, and while he distantly feels like he should be bothered by the question that Nick asks being the one she's zeroed in on it's just... Not worth it, and his response is quiet and dimly neutral.]


Mike and I had left Josh out in the shed after what he did, before we knew about the wendigos, and we... The guy on the mountain who'd been fighting the wendigos came with me when I went back for him, but we were too late and then he got his head taken off and um... Mike and Sam tried again later to get Josh again, from the mines, and they couldn't and if I hadn't left him then he and the flamethrower guy would probably both still be alive.

[It had been his fault for being a really terrible friend; he should've known better, should've just locked Josh in a room or something or tried to talk to him or waited for everyone to calm down before making any decisions or something. But he'd screwed up, and two people died.

And that was just at home. Here he'd failed to save Josh again, and Emily too, when they were turning into wendigos, and who knows if they hurt other people? Who knows how many people who'd been transforming were killed by others here after Chris told the whole network how to take out a wendigo? And then during this last event he'd shot Nick and it's a miracle she survived, and Maketh almost died anyway, and he just keeps screwing up.]
Edited 2016-04-27 05:01 (UTC)
thechoiceisyours: (❄ ᴡʜʏ ɪs ʟɪғᴇ)

[video]

[personal profile] thechoiceisyours 2016-04-28 12:02 am (UTC)(link)
I know you didn't.

[It's tired, his tone still dull; he can't be mad at her, really. He shouldn't be. This conversation wasn't supposed to go this way to begin with; all he's done is freak out and make her feel guilty, and that's not what he wanted to do.]

L-Look, it's okay, I just... I just want to try to keep anyone else from dying.

[Especially his friends, which includes Nick. He would take her out if he absolutely had to--like he thought he had to in order to prevent her from killing Maketh--but only as a last resort, and more importantly he wants Nick to want it to be a last resort too.]

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