[Whether or not she comes back doesn't change the experience, or change the underlying thoughts of wanting something terrible to happen. And it definitely doesn't change that he shot her, even if it was in self-defense, and she didn't deserve that.
He shakes his head at the apology.]
It wasn't your fault. None of this was, it was just... The gods fucking with us again.
[Nick chews the cuticle on her index finger for a moment, considering that. They're stuck here for who knows how long, probably forever, and these gods keep coming up with more inventively fucked-up ways to turn them on each other.]
Look, if it happens again - and let's be real, it probably will - don't hesitate to take me out. All right?
Yeah. I think we kind of forget about it whenever there's a break or whatever.
[Not to mention that the really horrible things no one wants to think much about after they're over; he knows he doesn't like to think about the wendigo event, or being buried alive, or any of the other awful things that have happened here. It makes it easy to forget just how quickly the gods can decide to do something to hurt them.
He shakes his head again, not necessarily as a refusal but because he can't believe they're even talking about this. Sure, he'd made the decision to shoot her to protect Maketh and himself, but that's different from what she's asking.]
Nick, I can't just...
[That sort of agreement--that sort of thinking--is what leads to people being killed unnecessarily.]
[Her head snaps up and for the first time since the video call started, she makes direct eye contact with the camera, leveling a dead stare at Chris.]
What's the biggest mistake everyone makes in those zombie movies? They don't shoot they guy who's been bitten before he has a chance to turn into a zombie and fuck everything up. It's not really any different from what's going on here. You know what I can do.
[He'd seen her fight off a wendigo with those bursts of dark energy, the same weapon she'd turned on him and Maketh. If a wendigo's hard to kill or even injure, there's no telling what kind of damage a blast would cause an ordinary human.]
[His eyes go icy at her words, a flash of anger running through him even if little of it is exactly directed at her. It's more a general anger and frustration, that any of this is something they have to deal with, but there is some reserved for not only for asking him what she did but what sounds like a lecture.]
Yeah, I know what you can do? Maybe you should remember that I've already done this whole zombie movie thing twice, once before I even fucking got here, and all shooting first does is get people killed for no reason.
[Mike had almost killed Emily, fearing she'd turn into a wendigo from being bitten, and Chris not only hadn't intervened but had thought it might be the right thing to do. Thankfully Mike hadn't been able to go through with it and only minutes later they'd discovered the bite of a wendigo didn't cause the transformation. That they'd nearly killed Emily for no reason, even though they hadn't actually done it, stays with him.
He doesn't address her last comment, though he does file it away mentally.]
[In Nick's mind, it wouldn't be killing her for no reason. If anything, this episode of being controlled by Rage has shown her that she is a ticking time bomb, ready to go off any time one of those sick fucks running this town gets bored enough to pull a shit stunt like what just happened. She's not a self-sacrificing type by any stretch the definition, but she can't help calling up memories of her mother, drunk, telling her You know, Nicky, you're just not even worth the gunpowder it would take to blow you to hell.
She's never cared much about hurting people before, but that was always her own choice. She didn't choose to attack Maketh, or Chris - she was manipulated into it. She is, in effect, a loaded gun in this city's long game of Russian roulette. And that doesn't sit well with her; it makes her feel small and lost and vulnerable in ways she felt when she was very young, after her father died, ways she swore she would never feel again if she could help it.
And if Chris can't see that she's an even worse monster than he's already seen, well - she'll just have to show him, won't she.]
Fine. Forget I said anything. In fact, forget you know me. I'm sure that'll be better for everyone.
[He isn't surprised she reacts with anger, but he is a little surprise she hangs up on him. For a moment he's uncertain, wondering if he should just leave her alone; he did nearly kill her, and he feels so guilty about it, and if she doesn't want to talk to him then maybe--
No. He's sick of doing this, of being so careful and trying to figure out the right thing to say and backing down the moment someone gets angry with him, of being always the one responsible for reaching out and fixing the problem and it always being his fault when something goes wrong. He's tired of being over and over put in the position of having to figure out what to do or how to diffuse a situation or how to save someone from themselves. He's tired of knowing that if he makes one wrong choice someone really could die. That people have died because he's made the wrong choices, and the guilt and fear are all-consuming and keep forcing him to act because what if he doesn't?
And then there's a situation like this, where it's complicated and awful and Nick can't just talk to him, so he has to decide whether to leave her to deal with her problems and take the risk that she'll do something drastic or try to reach out to her again, say and do the right things to calm her down, and just keep playing this same role yet again.
How many times has been here, trying to figure out what to do? More than he can count, with stakes ranging from hurt feelings to lives, and he always makes the same choice. The time he hadn't, he'd lost his best friend.
His anger is quickly draining, leaving behind the real emotions that it's--as usual--just masking, and although he's already made up his mind to call Nick back he takes a few minutes before he does. He needs to be sure he won't start crying the moment he tries to talk.
Finally, he sends another video call request and hopes she answers.]
[She almost, almost doesn't answer. In the end, the reason why she does pick up is because she's circled all the way around to being fully angry, and now she's looking for a fight. That anger is about more than just Chris, but if he's going to be a willing target, she'll take advantage of it.]
[There's first a sense of relief that she does answer, because at least he doesn't have to worry about what she's doing, but the greeting is less than friendly. Not unexpected, yet it still sparks another surge of anger--or defensiveness, really, although it feels like anger--which he has to try to control when he responds.
He's only partially successful.]
I-I want you to calm the fuck down for like, t-two seconds and talk to me, okay? A-And by talk I mean actually like, listen, a-and try to actually... I-I don't even know, just...
[This is so pointless. He doesn't even know what he's trying to say, which has the added benefit of causing him to trip over his words and just make it more obvious he doesn't know what he's talking about. He knows what he wants to say, but he doesn't think Nick would respond to it well and so it wouldn't be useful here.
[Not exactly what he means to lead with, but it's less harsh to say than jumping right to what he thinks the underlying issue is. And it's true.]
S-So I get if you're mad, at yourself or at me or at whoever, but it's... W-What happened, in the bar, it wasn't your fault. So please just... You don't have to jump to the worst outcome possible for a situation, okay?
[This is just turning into rambling and he should've waited longer to call her back, but it's difficult to stop and he just wants her to get it.]
B-But I can't just figure out what to do on my own, a-and we can't come up with something together if you're like, dead set on the worst possible thing, a-and you're pissed that I won't just agree to jump right to trying to kill you as a first option? A-Are you even thinking about what that means? People are already dead because of me, so... S-Sorry that I'm like, trying to figure out some option that doesn't involve agreeing to just kill a friend without thinking twice about it.
How is this even a conversation I'm having? N-None of this is supposed to be a thing; I was in fucking college, I don't--
[He needs to stop, but everything is just too much and he feels... Distant, almost. Like the whole conversation is surreal and he vaguely realizes he should probably hang up--he's going to either anger or worry Nick and neither of those outcomes is at all going to help the reason why he's trying to talk to her--but his fingers are shaking and it seems like a monumental task just to consider hitting the button.]
[She is angry, and she's determined to stay angry, because anger is and always has been a comforting, normalizing thing for her, like a blanket she can wrap around her shoulders and feel as close to safe as possible for someone like her, a frightened child in a woman's body, a girl who never really grew up past the trauma of losing her father and falling prey to her mother's abuse. Nick is set on holding on to that anger no matter what Chris has to say, scowling into the camera right up until he says people are already dead because of me, scowl softening finally when she hears agreeing to just kill a friend.
She falls silent for a long moment after he stops talking, piecing the words together in her mind, attempting to make them fit and failing. Is he saying that he still, after all she's put him through, considers her a friend? Why would he do that?
It makes no sense. She doesn't trust it. But she asks a different question instead.]
[While she's quiet, putting everything together, he's taking a moment to try to calm down; it isn't really working, but outwardly he might seem calm enough except for the distant stare towards the far wall instead of at the screen. Get it together. Focus.
It's so much easier to just kind of zone out, and while he distantly feels like he should be bothered by the question that Nick asks being the one she's zeroed in on it's just... Not worth it, and his response is quiet and dimly neutral.]
Mike and I had left Josh out in the shed after what he did, before we knew about the wendigos, and we... The guy on the mountain who'd been fighting the wendigos came with me when I went back for him, but we were too late and then he got his head taken off and um... Mike and Sam tried again later to get Josh again, from the mines, and they couldn't and if I hadn't left him then he and the flamethrower guy would probably both still be alive.
[It had been his fault for being a really terrible friend; he should've known better, should've just locked Josh in a room or something or tried to talk to him or waited for everyone to calm down before making any decisions or something. But he'd screwed up, and two people died.
And that was just at home. Here he'd failed to save Josh again, and Emily too, when they were turning into wendigos, and who knows if they hurt other people? Who knows how many people who'd been transforming were killed by others here after Chris told the whole network how to take out a wendigo? And then during this last event he'd shot Nick and it's a miracle she survived, and Maketh almost died anyway, and he just keeps screwing up.]
[No wonder he's upset about this. Every time Nick gets another piece of what happened to Chris and his friends in Canada, she thinks it can't possibly get any worse - until she hears the next thing. Josh died, and like - OK, he obviously did some fucked up things, from what Chris already described for her of that horrorshow, but he didn't deserve to die over it. How is this kid even remotely still functioning? His best friend died - for real, not like here, where people get brought back - and Chris thinks he was responsible for it. Nick rubs a hand over her face, bewildered at the thought of having to go through something like that and then have to go through everything they've been through here, too.]
[It's tired, his tone still dull; he can't be mad at her, really. He shouldn't be. This conversation wasn't supposed to go this way to begin with; all he's done is freak out and make her feel guilty, and that's not what he wanted to do.]
L-Look, it's okay, I just... I just want to try to keep anyone else from dying.
[Especially his friends, which includes Nick. He would take her out if he absolutely had to--like he thought he had to in order to prevent her from killing Maketh--but only as a last resort, and more importantly he wants Nick to want it to be a last resort too.]
[It's what she's always done, after all - look out for herself. No one else would, so what choice did she have? Still, it's not as if she's done an especially good job of it. Even here, she's still drinking too much and making bad decisions, now that alcohol is available.]
I didn't ... I guess just I didn't think you'd care a whole lot about it.
[He mostly just feels drained and exhausted at the moment, the past few days having been so stressful, but he still feels a sharp jolt of surprise at her words.]
What? Why?
[Did he give the impression he doesn't care? Well, probably, when he decided to shoot her, but he'd hated having to do it.]
[If he weren't utterly exhausted mentally and physically he would explain exactly what the issue is--as well as be incredulous that she doesn't seem to get it--but he just doesn't care to bother right now.]
Sure. Whatever. T-The point is that being mad at you doesn't mean I like, don't care at all; I-I mean, Josh lives with me and the others.
[And if there's someone he has reason to be genuinely angry at, it's Josh.]
Okay, well, I don't think anyone or anything here is 'usual' so...
[So, for good and bad, prior experiences aren't always applicable. He's been learning that too.
He's really glad that that the whole conversation has calmed down a bit, but now he's just really tired and hoping she's okay enough that he doesn't need to worry about he being alone. He does want to ask though--]
Are you um... You okay on like, stuff at your place?
[He's not sure what he'll do about it if she doesn't since he can't really walk, but he'll figure something out.]
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[video] darnit nick
[Whether or not she comes back doesn't change the experience, or change the underlying thoughts of wanting something terrible to happen. And it definitely doesn't change that he shot her, even if it was in self-defense, and she didn't deserve that.
He shakes his head at the apology.]
It wasn't your fault. None of this was, it was just... The gods fucking with us again.
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[Nick chews the cuticle on her index finger for a moment, considering that. They're stuck here for who knows how long, probably forever, and these gods keep coming up with more inventively fucked-up ways to turn them on each other.]
Look, if it happens again - and let's be real, it probably will - don't hesitate to take me out. All right?
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[Not to mention that the really horrible things no one wants to think much about after they're over; he knows he doesn't like to think about the wendigo event, or being buried alive, or any of the other awful things that have happened here. It makes it easy to forget just how quickly the gods can decide to do something to hurt them.
He shakes his head again, not necessarily as a refusal but because he can't believe they're even talking about this. Sure, he'd made the decision to shoot her to protect Maketh and himself, but that's different from what she's asking.]
Nick, I can't just...
[That sort of agreement--that sort of thinking--is what leads to people being killed unnecessarily.]
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[Her head snaps up and for the first time since the video call started, she makes direct eye contact with the camera, leveling a dead stare at Chris.]
What's the biggest mistake everyone makes in those zombie movies? They don't shoot they guy who's been bitten before he has a chance to turn into a zombie and fuck everything up. It's not really any different from what's going on here. You know what I can do.
[He'd seen her fight off a wendigo with those bursts of dark energy, the same weapon she'd turned on him and Maketh. If a wendigo's hard to kill or even injure, there's no telling what kind of damage a blast would cause an ordinary human.]
Besides ... you'd be doing everyone a favor.
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Yeah, I know what you can do? Maybe you should remember that I've already done this whole zombie movie thing twice, once before I even fucking got here, and all shooting first does is get people killed for no reason.
[Mike had almost killed Emily, fearing she'd turn into a wendigo from being bitten, and Chris not only hadn't intervened but had thought it might be the right thing to do. Thankfully Mike hadn't been able to go through with it and only minutes later they'd discovered the bite of a wendigo didn't cause the transformation. That they'd nearly killed Emily for no reason, even though they hadn't actually done it, stays with him.
He doesn't address her last comment, though he does file it away mentally.]
[video] cw remembered verbal child abuse
She's never cared much about hurting people before, but that was always her own choice. She didn't choose to attack Maketh, or Chris - she was manipulated into it. She is, in effect, a loaded gun in this city's long game of Russian roulette. And that doesn't sit well with her; it makes her feel small and lost and vulnerable in ways she felt when she was very young, after her father died, ways she swore she would never feel again if she could help it.
And if Chris can't see that she's an even worse monster than he's already seen, well - she'll just have to show him, won't she.]
Fine. Forget I said anything. In fact, forget you know me. I'm sure that'll be better for everyone.
[Abruptly, she hangs up.]
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No. He's sick of doing this, of being so careful and trying to figure out the right thing to say and backing down the moment someone gets angry with him, of being always the one responsible for reaching out and fixing the problem and it always being his fault when something goes wrong. He's tired of being over and over put in the position of having to figure out what to do or how to diffuse a situation or how to save someone from themselves. He's tired of knowing that if he makes one wrong choice someone really could die. That people have died because he's made the wrong choices, and the guilt and fear are all-consuming and keep forcing him to act because what if he doesn't?
And then there's a situation like this, where it's complicated and awful and Nick can't just talk to him, so he has to decide whether to leave her to deal with her problems and take the risk that she'll do something drastic or try to reach out to her again, say and do the right things to calm her down, and just keep playing this same role yet again.
How many times has been here, trying to figure out what to do? More than he can count, with stakes ranging from hurt feelings to lives, and he always makes the same choice. The time he hadn't, he'd lost his best friend.
His anger is quickly draining, leaving behind the real emotions that it's--as usual--just masking, and although he's already made up his mind to call Nick back he takes a few minutes before he does. He needs to be sure he won't start crying the moment he tries to talk.
Finally, he sends another video call request and hopes she answers.]
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What, Chris? What do you want?
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He's only partially successful.]
I-I want you to calm the fuck down for like, t-two seconds and talk to me, okay? A-And by talk I mean actually like, listen, a-and try to actually... I-I don't even know, just...
[This is so pointless. He doesn't even know what he's trying to say, which has the added benefit of causing him to trip over his words and just make it more obvious he doesn't know what he's talking about. He knows what he wants to say, but he doesn't think Nick would respond to it well and so it wouldn't be useful here.
He's just going to end up making this worse.]
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Fine. I'm all ears. Tell me whatever it is that's so fucking important.
[She's calm. Totally calm. Totally.]
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You didn't do anything wrong.
[Not exactly what he means to lead with, but it's less harsh to say than jumping right to what he thinks the underlying issue is. And it's true.]
S-So I get if you're mad, at yourself or at me or at whoever, but it's... W-What happened, in the bar, it wasn't your fault. So please just... You don't have to jump to the worst outcome possible for a situation, okay?
[This is just turning into rambling and he should've waited longer to call her back, but it's difficult to stop and he just wants her to get it.]
B-But I can't just figure out what to do on my own, a-and we can't come up with something together if you're like, dead set on the worst possible thing, a-and you're pissed that I won't just agree to jump right to trying to kill you as a first option? A-Are you even thinking about what that means? People are already dead because of me, so... S-Sorry that I'm like, trying to figure out some option that doesn't involve agreeing to just kill a friend without thinking twice about it.
How is this even a conversation I'm having? N-None of this is supposed to be a thing; I was in fucking college, I don't--
[He needs to stop, but everything is just too much and he feels... Distant, almost. Like the whole conversation is surreal and he vaguely realizes he should probably hang up--he's going to either anger or worry Nick and neither of those outcomes is at all going to help the reason why he's trying to talk to her--but his fingers are shaking and it seems like a monumental task just to consider hitting the button.]
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She falls silent for a long moment after he stops talking, piecing the words together in her mind, attempting to make them fit and failing. Is he saying that he still, after all she's put him through, considers her a friend? Why would he do that?
It makes no sense. She doesn't trust it. But she asks a different question instead.]
What d'you mean, people are dead 'cause of you?
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It's so much easier to just kind of zone out, and while he distantly feels like he should be bothered by the question that Nick asks being the one she's zeroed in on it's just... Not worth it, and his response is quiet and dimly neutral.]
Mike and I had left Josh out in the shed after what he did, before we knew about the wendigos, and we... The guy on the mountain who'd been fighting the wendigos came with me when I went back for him, but we were too late and then he got his head taken off and um... Mike and Sam tried again later to get Josh again, from the mines, and they couldn't and if I hadn't left him then he and the flamethrower guy would probably both still be alive.
[It had been his fault for being a really terrible friend; he should've known better, should've just locked Josh in a room or something or tried to talk to him or waited for everyone to calm down before making any decisions or something. But he'd screwed up, and two people died.
And that was just at home. Here he'd failed to save Josh again, and Emily too, when they were turning into wendigos, and who knows if they hurt other people? Who knows how many people who'd been transforming were killed by others here after Chris told the whole network how to take out a wendigo? And then during this last event he'd shot Nick and it's a miracle she survived, and Maketh almost died anyway, and he just keeps screwing up.]
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[No wonder he's upset about this. Every time Nick gets another piece of what happened to Chris and his friends in Canada, she thinks it can't possibly get any worse - until she hears the next thing. Josh died, and like - OK, he obviously did some fucked up things, from what Chris already described for her of that horrorshow, but he didn't deserve to die over it. How is this kid even remotely still functioning? His best friend died - for real, not like here, where people get brought back - and Chris thinks he was responsible for it. Nick rubs a hand over her face, bewildered at the thought of having to go through something like that and then have to go through everything they've been through here, too.]
I didn't know ... shit, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
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[It's tired, his tone still dull; he can't be mad at her, really. He shouldn't be. This conversation wasn't supposed to go this way to begin with; all he's done is freak out and make her feel guilty, and that's not what he wanted to do.]
L-Look, it's okay, I just... I just want to try to keep anyone else from dying.
[Especially his friends, which includes Nick. He would take her out if he absolutely had to--like he thought he had to in order to prevent her from killing Maketh--but only as a last resort, and more importantly he wants Nick to want it to be a last resort too.]
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Guess I'll just have to try not to kill anyone else, huh.
[She cracks a sideways half-smile - a joke, but not really.]
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If it's um... A-All the same to you, yeah, please.
[But more importantly--]
A-And just... T-Try to look out for yourself too.
[Her life is just as valuable as everyone else's.]
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[It's what she's always done, after all - look out for herself. No one else would, so what choice did she have? Still, it's not as if she's done an especially good job of it. Even here, she's still drinking too much and making bad decisions, now that alcohol is available.]
I didn't ... I guess just I didn't think you'd care a whole lot about it.
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What? Why?
[Did he give the impression he doesn't care? Well, probably, when he decided to shoot her, but he'd hated having to do it.]
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'Cause you were mad at me. I figured that was it, y'know? That's how it usually goes.
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I was... I-I was pissed at you for being a jerk. T-That doesn't mean I wouldn't care if like, s-something happened to you.
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Sure. Whatever. T-The point is that being mad at you doesn't mean I like, don't care at all; I-I mean, Josh lives with me and the others.
[And if there's someone he has reason to be genuinely angry at, it's Josh.]
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[She still just doesn't understand how that can be a thing, either. Nick sucks in a sharp breath through her teeth.]
I dunno, man, people usually get mad and fuck off, from what I've seen.
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[So, for good and bad, prior experiences aren't always applicable. He's been learning that too.
He's really glad that that the whole conversation has calmed down a bit, but now he's just really tired and hoping she's okay enough that he doesn't need to worry about he being alone. He does want to ask though--]
Are you um... You okay on like, stuff at your place?
[He's not sure what he'll do about it if she doesn't since he can't really walk, but he'll figure something out.]
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